Post Semester Musings

This past semester ended up being the worst one (grade wise). I worked very hard and failed. I tried to write like they wanted me to, and I still couldn’t do that. I turned in multiple drafts of the papers i made B’s on, rewrote one paper entirely, and yet I still couldn’t do what they wanted. I tell myself I should’ve turned in one more draft… And maybe I should’ve, but I didn’t. None of the other grad students turn in drafts and they get A’s. I turn in draft after draft, correction after correction and get B’s. The one paper I simply turned in without a draft netted me an A. It’s a confusing struggle in the middle of nowhere Texas.

I was accused of strange things this semester. I was told I was uncharitable to a philosopher I was critiquing. I’m not sure if it was because I was uncharitable, or if by simply critiquing this particular philosopher (after all, who am I to critique him) I am being uncharitable. Another professor insisted I do not set up my claims correctly. I don’t “establish” my claims. I don’t know how much more backstory and build up I can give to my claims. I’ve given up trying to make that guy happy.

I’ve failed here. In ways I still don’t understand. Philosophy is strange here. The people are strange here.

I’ve started applying to Ph.D. programs, but I don’t think I’ll get in. My professors in this department will probably make sure of that. I don’t know what I expected from philosophy. I didn’t expect what I’m getting here. Some can continue on in solitude, reading the people they love while trying to play the game. I don’t know if if my love of philosophy can survive such solitude. I need community, philosophy is community. Without it, philosophy is dead. I think Plato understood this. His dialogues are just that, dialogues. Dialogues presuppose a community of at least two people. These people talk to each other, and great things come out of those talks.

It does feel like I will be leaving philosophy behind. I don’t think I regret graduate school, but I am left disappointed. People tell me I don’t have to leave philosophy behind, I can always keep reading. They don’t understand. Philosophy is community, philosophy is people (much like Soylent Green). I can’t do this in a vacuum. I will keep this blog, but it will not be filled as often or with much. I will be focusing on making a future with my wife, getting us somewhat secure for our first child (whenever that is). I think that might be the harder path, the straight and narrow. I don’t know.

~ by Barky on December 21, 2012.

One Response to “Post Semester Musings”

  1. You write very strong

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